(STATIC, RADIO CHANNELS SKIPPING)
NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN: This country is at war with Germany.
NEWSCASTER 1: President Kennedy and Governor John Connally
were shot today...
NELSON MANDELA: A South Africa without apartheid
will be a better home for all.
- RONALD REAGAN: Tear down this wall. - (CROWD CHEERING)
MARGARET THATCHER: The lady's not for turning.
ALAN PARTRIDGE: Compiling a database of Norwich's least grateful buskers.
I'm Alan Partridge and this is Mid Morning Matters.
JINGLE SINGERS: # North Norfolk Digital #
Today we're talking condiments. You're stuck on a desert island,
you're allowed one condiment, which is it to be?
- John in Sproston. - Ketchup.
- Harry in Bodham. - Mustard.
- Kev in Norwich. - Gravy.
That's not a condiment, it's a hot sauce.
- Bisto, then. - That's a brand of gravy.
- Branston pickle, then. - And that's a relish.
It's eight minutes to twelve.
- In less than one hour... - Mustard.
Myself and Sidekick Simon...
- Man the barricades. - Will come face to face
with one of the most beautiful women in the world.
- Anthea Turner. - Anthea "the body" Turner.
BOTH: Ooh.
- You like her, do you, then, Alan? - What man doesn't?
- Seriously, what man doesn't? - Oh, no, hardly any.
Exactly.
- She... - Stevie Wonder.
Or Ray Charles.
- Any blind man. - Yeah.
She is the Ford Escort Cabriolet
of middle-aged women.
Sleek, petite, a little bit racy.
- Nought percent finance available. - That doesn't even make sense.
But it's still funny, still surreally funny. Which is why we booked you,
- why we booked you. - Power steering.
I've got to say, it's always like this, isn't it?
- It is, yes. - We had brunch...
Well, I had lunch.
On Sunday. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You had lunch.
What do you want to call lunch and brunch when they're combined?
Blunch? Is it a blunch?
That's excellent. Really good.
What did you order? The...
I had the Thai fishcakes. You sat there
That's right. No, no, no, no. Don't tell me what I had.
Uh, I had the...
I had... I...
I had...
I can't remember.
You're listening to North Norfolk Digital
with Alan Partridge.
No, it's gone.
- You all right, Alan? - Yeah.
- Thought I'd lost you there. - (ALAN CHUCKLING)
- Away with the fairies. - There's only one fairy in here.
- Yeah, I'm looking right at him. - Hey, you cheeky tit.
This is great banter.
It really is.
Okay, I've come up with a list, a top-ten list
of things not to say to a customs officer.
Time for a travel update with Chris Gifford.
Kippers. That's what I had.
- (HORN HONKING) - ANNOUNCER: Traffic and travel.
You're listening to North Norfolk Digital. It's time to...
- (ELECTRONIC ROCK CHORDS) - WOMAN: Focus on...
- Cycling. - (MUSIC STING)
Ah! I am in the studio with
- Jim Jones. - Hi.
Hello. Now, just to clear something up.
You're not the Jim Jones who led a mass suicide
in the Jonestown Massacre by feeding his followers poisoned broth?
Of course not.
Glad to hear it. Well, you'd be dead, wouldn't you?
Along with your 900 followers.
- Do you ever have dark thoughts? - No, not really.
Um, if you're tuning in to us without the aid of visual internet,
let me fill you in. Uh...
Jim is astride a static exercise cycle. Why?
Well, I'm running a campaign called On Your Bike.
It's about getting young kids out and on their cycles.
Can you stop... Can you stop cycling that cause the noise...
I hadn't realised it was going to make that noise.
A bit distracting.
(WHEEL NOISE FADING)
You're listening to North Norfolk Digital,
Norfolk's best... North Norfolk's best music mix.
If you are watching the internet from a Third World country,
perhaps you're unfamiliar with bikes, um...
Cycling is a form of wheeled transportation
whereby the legs are used as pistons
- to propel the cyclist forward. - Exactly.
- Sounds complicated. - It's not.
This campaign's bang-on simple.
Basically, we're trying to empower kids...
I've got to interrupt you there, uh, Jim.
I just got an email in that says that in the Jonestown Massacre,
it wasn't soup he made them drink, it was actually poisoned Kool-Aid.
Uh, so just to reiterate,
the fluid administered by the Reverend Jim Jones
in the Jonestown Massacre
in Guyana in 1978
to just under a thousand innocent men, women and children
was pop, not broth.
So that's pop-not-broth.
So, this campaign's about helping kids
that are a wee bit overweight shed a few pounds.
- Um, see... - Ever met a child the size of an ox?
- Pardon? - The reason I mention it
is because I once knew a man who was the size of an ox
but with the mind of a child.
He was a very affable chap. Helped me move house.
Yeah. Didn't like loud noises but, my goodness, he could eat.
I spend time with these kids and I end up learning from them.
- Really? - Yeah, I end up relating to them
as adults.
- Right. - You spend time alone
with these children, you end up being a big kid yourself.
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
You've been cleared to work with children, haven't you?
- Absolutely. - Yeah, okay.
So, all the boxes ticked and you're on the register.
The good one. The good one.
- Yeah. - Sorry to have to broach that subject
but, uh, you know. It's an awful business
but we've had some cracking phone-ins about it.
But, you know, it is an ongoing problem,
especially round these parts, if you get my drift.
- What, in the radio station? - No, no, no, no. He's gone.
Mmm.
This is about educating kids into being fit.
I took them on a long cycle ride.
We cycled from Land's End to John O'Groats,
a group of 11 -to-12-year-olds.
I was...
I'm planning on doing the very same journey myself next year.
You're going from Land's End to John O'Groats on a bicycle?
No, in a Toyota Avensis.
- Who's sponsoring you? - No one.
It's just one of the great UK drives.
Along with clockwise and anti-clockwise round the M25 in the same day,
which I did manage last year when I had a day to kill.
I was dismissed from jury service.
They wanted an ethnic balance and I was the fall guy.
Uh, so, yeah, it was just a Japanese saloon car,
me and The Very Best of Deacon Blue.
Did you enjoy yourself?
Well, I'm asking the questions.
Great, Alan. Fine, ask away.
I will, I'll ask you one in a... In a second.
"This is North Norfolk Digital,
"sustaining and maintaining our core listenership
"in an increasingly fragmented marketplace."
# North Norfolk... #
I just realised I read that from an internal memo.
Uh, wasn't for you
to hear. Sorry. Sorry.
Anthea Turner coming up in half an hour.
I hope she didn't hear that.
Um, Jim Jones, in the meantime,
I have a little surprise for you.
It's this award for services to the larger child.
It's an ALHA, Alan's Local Hero Award.
It's not engraved.
You can do that yourself. Put what you like.
Um, for those of you who don't have the webcam,
it's a mock brass hand doing that.
Um, so, you can take that, show it to the kids.
Uh...
Actually, don't. Just take it straight home.
Does it ever get on your nerves
being surrounded by all those puffing, wheezing kids?
Oh, well, actually, Alan, these kids are pretty active.
I mean, they could cycle 10 miles, 30 minutes.
I could cycle 10 miles in 30 minutes. I could cycle 30 miles in 10 minutes.
That'd be 180 miles an hour.
All right, I couldn't do that.
But I could do the easier one that you said first.
- The 10 miles in 30 minutes? - Yes.
- Be my guest. - I will be your guest,
even though, technically, you're my guest.
Dismount, Reverend Jim Jones!
This is live radio. No time like the present.
I, Alan Partridge, am going to attempt to cycle
10 miles in 30 minutes.
Uh, but first, Wizzard.
(SONG BEGINS)
Simon, do you think Anthea Turner cycles?
I don't know.
I know, but do you think she cycles?
I don't know, I've never given it any thought.
Well, think about it now. Do you think she cycles?
- Yes, yes. I think she probably does. - Yeah.
I do and I think she probably rides with one of those big Dutch bikes
with a basket and a bell and...
She'd cycle along in a flimsy cotton dress
with the sun and the breeze in her hair.
She'd just discard the bike by the side of the road,
find a nice spot in a field
and lay down on a tartan blanket
with, uh, a copy of Grazia,
a thermos flask
and a big jam sandwich.
Maybe a beef paste cob.
Heaven.
Course, she'd have to watch out for combine harvesters.
Slice through her like a hot knife through butter.
Ah, but what lovely butter!
- Oh, yes. - Lightly salted.
(ALAN GROANING)
(BREATHLESSLY) I can't... I can't do it.
Can't do any more. Can't do any more.
Okay. Okay, take it easy. Just take it...
Take it easy. There's nothing to be ashamed of.
A lot of these kids are very fit.
(PANTING) Hang on, are you...
- Are you from Northern Ireland? - Yeah.
Is it better now that the Troubles are over? Yeah?
- Of course. - Yeah. Good.
I like the murals on the end of the houses.
Pictures of men in balaclavas
with Tommy Guns. It, uh...
Must be like living amongst an artist like Banksy.
Or, you know...
Lots of Banksys.
But Banksys who want to kill people that live near them.
- SIMON: Alan? It's Anthea. - Yeah.
Oh, Christ!
I wanted to have a shower before she got here!
I brought my washbag in especially. And some Smints.
Go get me a towel.
Go get me a towel... Anthea, how are you!
ANTHEA: Hi, Alan. ALAN: Just been cycling.
JINGLE SINGERS: # North Norfolk Digital #
Hello, you're joining me, Alan Partridge, on Mid Morning Matters.
I'm here with my sidekick Simon.
- Hello, Alan. - SS, as I like to call him.
- Sieg heil! - Sieg heil!
# Sidekick Simon, Sidekick Simon # Sieg heil! Sieg heil!
# Sidekick Simon, Sidekick Simon # Achtung!
And we're asking which band names you would like to become reality?
Uh, Simon. What you got?
I have got an email from Carl,
who says he longs for a Crowded House
as his wife and kids have recently left him.
Ah. Well, that's a lovely one, that's marvellous.
I've also got a text from an Adrian H,
whose wife Elizabeth suffers from a pituitary gland problem
so he would like to see Thin Lizzy.
- I'm sure he would. - (SIMON LAUGHING)
Slightly pie in the sky.
Probably where he'd like the pie to remain, actually.
Out of harm's way.
- Out of reach of his... - Greedy guts wife.
Yeah, well, she's not greedy, she's got a problem...
- Pituitary gland problem, of course. - Yeah, exactly.
Well, it's a bank holiday,
which traditionally would have meant you'd be
in a car on the way to the seaside with a lilo, a dog full of sand,
- some hard-boiled Werthers Originals. - Yeah.
Or whatever. But these days, unfortunately, it's more likely to mean
a child watching a violent computer game
and pornography while shouting, "I hate you!"
To his parents who are downstairs having a cocaine-and-ecstasy-fuelled orgy.
That's Britain 2011. You're welcome to it. But...
Sorry, I got a bit negative there.
- But to lighten the mood... - Very negative.
To lighten the mood, we are having a tongue-twister phone-in
where we invite little kiddies to ring in
and attempt to say complex sentences
- with their underdeveloped mouths. - (SIMON GURGLING)
Ah, time for some music.
Yessiree. There's no point yelling at that large, spotted cat
who's dragging the lifeless body of an apprentice zookeeper
across the compound. He won't be able to hear you.
- He's a Def Leppard. - Brilliant.
- Turn it up, Norfolk. - North Norfolk.
On Line One we have Emily. Hello, luvvie. What's your tongue-twister?
What gets wetter the more it dries?
- Ooh, I'll take this one. - Right, hang on. No, that's a riddle,
that's not a tongue-twister.
- No good? - No,
we're doing tongue-twisters. Quite specific about that.
Love, you shouldn't have been put through.
- Who put you through? - I don't know.
Was it a woman who smokes too much?
Did she sound like she had too many fags?
It was a lady.
- Mummy! - Oh, sod it.
- Useless. - Yeah.
Parents, if you're going to get your under-sevens,
which is specifically what this is for,
who are off school today,
if you're going to get them to call into the radio station,
it's A, a tongue-twister, not a riddle.
And B, can you please make sure they are reasonably media savvy?
Uh, yeah, that's the only point I wanted to make.
- A towel. - What?
Towel. The, um...
What gets wet as it dries? A towel.
Oh, right, that was the... I still think I was right to cut her off.
- Oh, yeah, yeah. - Okay.
I'm joined by Tommy Gaskell,
who is a survival and naturalist expert.
Tommy, have you yourself ever been,
to coin a phrase, up the creek without a paddle?
Uh, yes. Well, you mean...
I've been in trouble in the wilderness a few times but, uh...
If you are up a creek without a paddle, then you should think laterally
because there are always paddles around you.
The solution to many problems in the wilderness
are in the immediate vicinity.
Right. That chimes very much with me. Um...
It takes me back to '74 when I was walking in the Chilterns.
And that year the nettles were particularly virulent.
And that's where my story begins because I fell into some nettles.
My knees gave way
after what I can only describe as a very, very long walk.
I said to my colleagues, "You go on without me.
"Leave me be."
They said, "Ape, we ain't going nowhere without you."
- Ape? - Alan Partridge, abbreviation.
They said, "We are not going to go anywhere without you."
They're some of the most principled Scouts I have ever rambled with.
So what did you do?
I can spot a dock leaf from 30 feet.
Well, that's great, so you used the natural flora around you as an antidote.
As an antidote.
Do you ever find there's any kind of serenity in the wild and windy moors?
There was a particularly nasty incident once when I was in Afghanistan
with my men, hanging off a cliff face in...
In dense, freezing fog,
waiting for this fog to disperse for about three hours, and, um,
I felt incredibly at peace. That's what nature can do for you.
Yeah. Yeah. So, why... So you were in Afghanistan...
Was it on holiday with some mates? Or were you actually...
- No, I was in the Forces. - Yeah, of course. That makes more sense.
Which force? Parcelforce?
Yeah, have some respect, he means Special Forces.
I'm correct, right?
- Uh, yeah. - Yeah, okay.
You must have some very interesting stories
about clearing insurgent Talibans from the caves of Tora Bora.
Well, with respect, I'm just here to talk about,
uh, survival in the outdoors.
I'd rather not go into counter-insurgency techniques
or classified operations of any kind.
Specifically not about the Tora Bora caves.
Okay, all right. I'm just very interested to hear about
hand-to-hand combat, which I am told took place.
Um, pretty ugly stuff but I know sometimes...
- I can't. - But, okay.
But let's talk hypothetically. Um...
Didn't say... The caves don't necessarily have to be Tora Bora.
So, where are they, then?
Cheddar Gorge.
So the Taliban have come over to Cheddar Gorge?
Not necessarily the Taliban,
could be a radicalised home-grown terrorist cell.
- Like? - The RSPB.
I'm pretty sure that the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds
is non-violent.
At the moment, they're not violent. But what if we kicked it up a notch?
Let's paint a scenario.
The last osprey in Britain is killed by a football.
The last osprey egg
is stolen and scrambled for a Russian oligarch's breakfast,
who eats it without one iota of remorse, in his leather jacket,
simply wipes his lips and says, "Simples."
Where are you going with this?
Bear with me.
So, rare birds' eggs are being
scrambled for Russian oligarchs and Bill Oddie goes apeshit.
He shows up at Claridges wearing his twitcher's jerkin
and the pockets are full of every conceivable explosive.
- I've got the picture. - He walks into the buffet area,
the breakfast buffet.
People turn round. They say, "Isn't that man from Springwatch?"
Someone else says, "Wasn't he once one of the Goodies?"
Yeah, not any more. Now he's a baddie. Seconds later, carnage.
Oddie is like a bearded Catherine wheel scything through the crowd.
Ironically, the oligarchs wearing the leather jackets
are protected from the worst of the blast.
But an innocent couple
- from the northeast on a city break... - (SIMON MIMICKING BOMB)
Are vaporised.
Sorry, are you asking me a specific question?
Yes.
- And that question is... - Is...
- lf... - lf...
- An RSPB... - Yeah.
- Neo-fundamentalist... - Yeah.
- Was radicalised. - Yeah.
- Oddie sacrificed himself. - Yeah.
The rest of them holed up in Wookey Hole and
- I was sent to neutralise the threat. - Yeah.
- How would I proceed? - Simples.
You really want to know?
Yeah, yeah, let's hear it. Hand-to-hand combat, commando style.
- Do you mind if I stand up? - No, please.
- Take the floor. - Take the floor.
- The floor is yours. You have the floor. - Right.
So, in Special Forces, we're given licence
to use bespoke techniques, improvised weaponry, that sort of thing.
My favourite for hand-to-hand combat
is this brass knuckle which I've adapted.
I've stuck a protruding blade on one side, really sharp.
And what I would do is, I'd, uh... Well, I'd attack the first insurgent,
punch him full in the face as hard as I could,
until I felt the splinter of bone,
that his nose was truly shattered.
And then as he's toppling backwards,
grab hold of him with your right hand
and bring my hand back with the blade
like an arc across his throat,
severing one or preferably both of the carotid arteries.
If you get it right,
the neck opens up, completely yawns back,
- like a Muppet's mouth. - Oh, my God.
So then you let them drop,
take care not to trip over them. I've seen that happen.
And then you repeat and adapt, you repeat and adapt,
you repeat and adapt. Tchu!
You repeat and adapt. Tchu!
Until the cave is clear.
It's very bloody
but it's quick
and it's quiet.
- And that's why I like it. - Right.
Any questions?
- No. - Yeah, um...
- Which Muppet? - Well, er...
You rejoin us on Mid Morning Matters.
Tommy Gaskell, survival expert, still with us.
And, on Line Two, we have Sophie.
Sophie, what's your tongue-twister?
Did that man hurt the Muppet?
No, love, he didn't hurt any Muppets, he simply dispatched, um, some
terrorists from a radicalised RSPB in Wookey Hole.
It was simply that when he slit the throats of the bad people,
they resembled the mouths of Muppets.
- Hope that answers... - Did they get better?
Did they get better?
We cleared the cave.
No, no one survived, Sophie. He cleared the cave.
And when the man hurt the other men,
did the man feel bad?
- Did you feel bad? - It's my job.
No, he didn't feel bad, Sophie.
Did the man get into trouble?
No, because the... No, because the government allows him
to kill people. Sometimes,
when the government's exhausted diplomatic means,
they allow state-sanctioned killing.
Hmm? Sometimes you have to...
When you grow up, you'll realise that sometimes you have to
tackle tough Taliban terrorists to topple totalitarian tyrants.
That was a bit of a tongue-twister, wasn't it?
Is Bill Oddie dead?
No! Bill Oddie's alive and well, Sophie.
Well, he's alive.
All right. Cheerio, Sophie.
Thanks very much, Tommy, for being on the show. Fascinating stuff.
Loved your wise words.
Interesting, Tommy's the first person we've had on North Norfolk Digital
who's killed someone, uh, deliberately.
We all know, of course, of Simon Pickering from Travel,
who reversed over a nurse, which was an accident, so he says.
This is the Simon Park Orchestra with Eye Level,
otherwise known as the theme from Van der Valk.
(MUSIC PLAYING)